Tuesday, November 24, 2009

my woes..

Entry today's is all about respondant to an unfinished issues arround me,.. this isn't dedicated to anyone but really to stand by for what I have said ( Saya cuma ingin mempertahankan diri )and what had lingers arround and for what it is worth I understand now that, saying how I feel, speak up of what I went through, and stand up for myself is totally wrong.

I put up with all these crap, receiving mails, reading shouts and notes on a social networking sites and take it, swalow it although it hurts, eating me inside and out.. The taste is.. nothing but.. bitter... nasty and if only everything just as simple as a flick of fingers. All these issue all started of, just because I'm not pregnant and it's all become a misery.

All I did was writting about my woes , expressing my sorrow and writting it in these blog hoping that, someone who went through the same as I experienced would share their thoughts even a helping hand to get thru this misery and this feeling. But it was all wrong, and those who read the entry , suggested that the entry is all about me telling a tale about family which I wasn't supposed to ...because traditionally, its not acceptable and embarassing. But , I'm sorry for those who read the entry and get the wrong idea, I'm sorry because, I don't feel sorry for what I said, and even feel sorry for what I wrote. I wrote for how I feel. I OWN my feelings. I STAND BY IT. And I have the right of my feelings, I have the right for my writtings and I am ENTITLED of how I feel.

So, I am not the one who's been telling a tale, messed up and make this even worse, remember, I put up for all your craps , I swallow all the emails you sent me, thinking nevermind, and reading notes on social networking sites, noting how to get pregnant and all.. I know you think , you was trying to help. But let me ask you this, what kinda help is that? Help making me suffers? Do you even know how it feels of being married after how many years and all you people can do is ask when? why? how come? all you people did was suffocating my head with all these question thinking that would help. People, It doesn't help, all it did was increase my tension, giving me a lot of pressure, as well as making me feel like a LOSER.

Yes, you are lucky enough God grants what you prayed for and somehow, I wasn't granted with 'a blessing' just like you did. But I, believe God have other plans for me. I am thanking you for taking the opportunity to read what I have to say, but making you hating me is what it did ,.. so be it. Making you hold grudges towards me, so what... just let it. Remember , I put up with all your craps, and as I've mentioned those email you sent to me doesn't help. I have tried everything and it didn't work out.. too bad for me, I have to take all your craps. I still have all those mails and maybe you'd like to see it?.. maybe not.. because it don't matter anymore.

Because, the worst has come, and the damage has been done... nothing I can do to turn it all arround and if it anything can be done, too bad that I wouldn't do it for the sake of this. Because I own my feelings. And damage control isn't likely, a bright idea at this moment... damage is done and I am about ready to call it a quit.. Him, the only person , who I thought would be the one stand by me... thinks this is a revenge... I had too much envy.. but I don't... it's not a revenge... It is an expression of feeling and it is worth the time and effort I put in ... to please all of you people. I never thought this matter , could get all out of hands.. even the elders included in the scenes, when there are none to be discussed.... But.. I had enough of pleasing all of you people... I have done everything to please everyone. And I QUIT pleasing you people.. now!

So think what you want, say what you want.. its a free world.. everyone is entitled of freedom of speech.. thoughts.. expressions and feeling.. and that's what I am doing.....

To him, I am deeply sorry.. you know you're not the last to know. And I know you've done enough damage control over the years, you always do. But, maybe.. 'this' is not worth fighting for... because there's none to fight for...
Believe me... No one understands what I went through... If people really helps.. they don't ask why, when, how come... People who helps , will just give unjustified...ask... how are you... how's the family going... how is business.. and people who helps, is people who saves you from pressure and heartache...
You and I , both hurts.. Let time heals us.. and let time tells us what's next...

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